Gray to begin roadside debris pickup---drop-off scheduled for later

The city of Gray will begin picking up curbside yard debris this month as part of a trial program.

The Gray City Council unanimously passed a resolution Monday night that set April 15 and May 13 as pickup dates for the debris program.

Residential homes in the city limits are eligible for the free program but must bundle any sticks and bag any clippings or grass. Sticks can not be longer than four feet or thicker than four inches, said Mayor Jason E. Briley.

The City Council plans to evaluate the program after the May pickup and decide whether to continue for another two months or perhaps reverse the process. Anticipating problems with landfill utilization, City Council included a provision that the city may dump debris equally on city lots and request that residents dispose of it the best way they know how---preferably burning in the legally prescribed manner---since the Jones County landfill is closed. The city will first bundle the sticks, leaves and debris, but there are no guarantees that the strings or bags won't burst when the bundles are thrown off city trucks onto resident's lawns. The resolution provides that there will be no charge for this service.

With media saturation at a peak (hopefully), most central Georgians have an opinion on how the US government should handle the impasse over Elian Gonzalez and his custody. Scroggins Crosswired News conducted a survey on central Georgia residents to determine their views on the matter. The following survey results are guaranteed accurate plus or minus 90 percent.

10% - Send him back, along with all his relatives living in the US

3% - Offer to send Elian back by plane, but make his father earn the ticket by first harvesting some onions or peaches here in central Georgia.

7% - Just do the right thing...nuke Cuba

5% - Just give all of Miami to Castro

10% - Bring Castro and all the Cubans to Miami and let them shoot it out in peace

20% - Offer to trade Monica Lewinsky for Elian---Castro would jump on that deal

30% - Stop talking about it and just do something!

14% - Go to mediation and resolve it with appropriate means (such as., dice, flip a coin, etc.)

1% - No opinion

U.S. Treasury investigates allegations Georgia lawmakers passed about 500 bills

ATLANTA - U.S. Treasury officials are investigating reports that Georgia lawmakers are passing counterfeit currency, also known as "bills," contrary to federal law.

Reports reached Washington that this year's legislature was passing a large number of bills (about 500) and that Lt. Governor Mark Taylor was encouraging the activity.

"We're especially concerned since there is a US mint in Atlanta, that there might be some connection to the alleged bills being passed from the capitol," said Ignatius Greenshade, a spokesman for Treasury investigators.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture launched a parallel investigation when reports surfaced alleging that Georgia lawmakers were passing bills for pork. USDA strictly regulates commerce connected with meats, poultry and other agricultural products. "We heard there was a 'whole lot of pork spending' going on down here, so we're investigating," said Ode McDonald, a USDA spokesman. "We're also concerned that bills were passed to pay for cruelty to animals. It's one thing to be cruel to an animal, but it's another altogether to pay someone else to be cruel and to do it with counterfeit money. Even though we pay butchers to slaughter animals, we're supposed to pay them with good money," McDonald said.

PERRY - A Warner Robins man pleaded guilty Monday to two counts of encouraging a felony and three counts of aggravated stupidity for siccing a pit bull on a teen and a woman. The dog pleaded innocent but was sentenced to death for his part in the crime.

Densel Dufus Shazamm, 23, of Moron Street, was sentenced to five years in prison with 15 years probation after he ordered a friend's pit bull to attack the teen-ager and her friend who were visiting his house.

Shazamm admitted his guilt after a jury had been selected to hear his case but added, "The dog had a choice, all he had to say was 'no.'"

Witnesses testified that the dog asked Shazamm why he didn't just ask the woman and teen to leave. According to testimony, when Shazamm didn't answer and the unwelcome guests didn't take the hint, the dog went into action.

The pit bull did not return phone calls for comment as of press time.

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. - John Rocker made headlines Monday by not saying anything offensive. Meanwhile, secret discussions on a Rocker trade were progressing. Rocker was reported to be included in a deal for Montreal Expos closer Ugueth Urbina, a trade both sides later emphatically denied.

Sources in Montreal and Atlanta reported that a copy of Rocker's interview with Ignorance Illustrated magazine was shown to Montreal's team management. The II interview did not make big headlines like the Sports Illustrated interview did in December 1999.

Most damaging to the deal's potential was the following excerpt from Rocker's II interview:

"Just as bad as---heck, even worse---than the gays and foreigners in New York are those dang frenchie frogs from Canada. How do you think they got the name Expos? They're always flashing you and jabbering in their stupid language. Merci beaucoup, my foot! They're really cussing you out but you just don't know it. Dang frenchie frog gayfers!"

Montreal owner Jeffery LePansy emphatically denied they were considering Rocker. "Oh, he's such a hunk. But we don't feel he's right for our team, we'd prefer to just admire him from afar," LePansy said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.